Every day I think of somthing to write on here. I guess it is a sick throwback to all of those cumpusalery papers from collage. So much has happened since we came to Nevada and yet most of the time it feals like nothing has happened. I have a job now. Never have I been scared of that concept. But I am now I have a job it is a solid jobI like them they like me, but I feel trapped in the proverbial nine to five ( actually it is seven to three thirty). I feal that there is still fire in me, I still burn for more, more of life. I have traveled a little piece of this world, and I have experienced more than many and it has given me a taste for that vibrance of existance.
As an interesting contrast however I have seen the beauty of the west again. I have seen the mountains at daybreak as they explode in brialiance, and yet in the crispness of those mornings the silence is defining. I forgot about that silence, many of you have experienced it, that silence that is so pure that you don't even notice it because you are slammed with all of the thoughts in your head that you usually can not hear for all of the noise. You know, the same silance that that almost makes you cower because you can hear the spirit of God.
Being here oddley enough has made me understand Nietzie a little better ( I think I spelled his name wrong) have you ever heard someone after climbing a mountain claim that they have conqured it? After coming back here and seeing real mountains again (sorry easterners) it intreagues me to realise that no man has ever conqured a mountain they have just survived it. (comment)
So being a dad.......?
My relational matrix is strangley laking on that front.
I have so little patience for little ones, so much of the time.
I am scared
I am excited, but not in the way I think women want me to be excited, it is different, it is ........
its an idea still, I can not experience the reality of fatherhood yet.
I just got to watch open season with my nice laying on my chest, and I realised that as good as that felt it can not compare to my own child.
How do I formulate rules? For me? For them?
How do I maintain consistancy?
how, how do I make this little person know, and I mean KNOW, like the way you know you like chocolate or big blankets when its cold, ...........
that I love them. I want them to feal safe with me everytime they are with me.
I want to help them to learn who they really are and like what they see
I want them to see that money and stuff have only infered value but God and people have inate value.
I want them to see that the world is big and that issues are complicated, but thats ok too, we dont need to make life simple with prejudice or supurlatives.
I miss being able to talk to my friends......
